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I'm an author and freelance journalist, venturing into the world of 'blogs' for the first time. Although I usually write from dreams, these are purely formed from my own opinions, observations and general silliness. If you're feeling brave, why not read a couple? Or if you want to go back to the safety of nice, familiar books, venture back to the main site.


Internet Exile - Posted on 7/13/2009


A few interesting things happened when I decided to exile myself from the internet...

End note from Anima: “I seem to have some sort of personality disorder which means I can't seem to stop myself from saying what is in my head, regardless of the consequences.”

Don't even talk to me. It's all so self self self... indulgent.

Sunday Afternoon:

I have decided to exile myself from the internet, and let me explain why: a) to get some decent writing done b) because I've upset some people with my so-called personality disorder - I didn't mean to, honest c) I need a new focal point and d) I've had enough of people trying to knit me bikinis etc. Bad weekend. Not only do I feel awful for things I very stupidly communicated to a few people, I also burned my arm on the oven and stubbed my toe – and since I probably deserve to be shot, that's the least of my concerns. So from now until an undetermined time in the future – online at least – I don't exist.

Could I be any more honest? Probably, but I'd hate to see the poor soul I'd inflict that on. You see, most of the time I'm going about in my own little world - whether that is the only child ‘internal dialogue' going on I cannot say – and sometimes that has repercussions; I'm (too) honest and am happy to say whatever I like while failing to see the problems that could cause. Which is sensible in some ways and utterly silly in others; almost as silly as when I said I didn't see my 6'9 tall ex-boyfriend as being tall (I still stick to that, to me he was just Jonathan) or the fact that I don't really see Twitter as communicating to others, more just thinking out loud. And that's where I've gone wrong.

For example, when I'm ‘thinking out loud' on Twitter I'm already quite relaxed about what I'm doing, and that sort of exacerbates my problem of saying whatever is in my head, regardless of the consequences. And that, amongst other things (not considering other people's feelings, making The Thought Pool a little too murky, getting the wrong end of the stick, being publicly emotional and/or crass), is why I have fallen out with Mr Internet – and apparently, why some people have fallen out with me. And I know Mr Internet is not going to be the one to change; it has to be me. But then I think, ‘Do I really want to?'. It's not going to be easy, because one of my problems is just not SEEING it as a problem. I mean, pretty much everyone lives in fear of being ‘found out' one way or another, but if everything is already ‘out' then what do I have to fear? So why not get as much out as is possibly possible. Better out than in, one might say. Although, there is something to be said for keeping certain things to yourself, an exercise I may be wise to observe more of in future.

Monday: I'm still not exactly feeling great, but there is one thing I am particularly thankful for today. Okay, I've acknowledged the fact that I have a dark side, but I also have a lot of light to which I can turn to, and no matter how badly my heart is breaking, or how terrible the situation is, I can always find that light within myself. Which means (hopefully) I will never feel the full brunt of depression, or find myself engulfed so deep in darkness that I have no hope in hell of clawing out of it. I also have hope.

I'm allowed to feel sorry for myself. Oh woe, woe woe is me, oh woe it is indeed...

Tuesday: While wandering aimlessly down the river rather aptly singing ‘Suzanne' by Leonard Cohen, I came across a man carrying two bin liners. He kept stopping at various places down the river, and while I was smiling at some random pigeons I thought to myself he looked as lost as I felt, so after a bit I jokingly asked him if he was looking for a place to hide the body. He said the bags were heavy, and I found out he was not simply moving flat and in a bit of an awkward situation, but was actually homeless. I carried one of his bags with him all the way to the assessment centre, and we had a good chat along the way. Turns out his name is Paul Andrew, and I really want to know that he is okay; I gave him my card. I am a lucky, privileged person to have everything in life that I do.

Thursday: When Paul Andrew failed to call, I went for a walk along the river. No sign. Hope he is okay, and doesn't feel too awkward about his situation to get in touch. I'm still traumatised, but actually feeling glad I've put myself in this character-building sans internet scenario. Is it simply cowardice? I hope not, but there might be an element of that, too. There is still someone I need to apologise to. Marshmallow consumption is way up – am half expecting to be found in a diabetic coma, the amount of sugar in these things. Fat-free, though.

Sunday: Have survived with most of my mental capacities intact. I'm writing this winding down after watching hours of live X-Factor auditions - I was in the audience. This weekend it occurred to me that this would be remembered (at least to me) as the summer of Michael Jackson. Because everywhere I go, his music is playing, and there's something almost nice about that. I'm not even a fan, never was. I wasn't particularly upset at his passing. But there will never be another summer where no matter where you go, Michael Jackson is playing constantly and not even the circumstances of his death seems to have overshadowed the overall mood I can feel in the air – at least where I am.

So all is well, I lived a more simple kind of life for a week without the internet, and I realised plenty along the way, including the fact that I can survive - perfectly sanely - without its delights for a whole week. A good, satisfactory conclusion, or an anti-climax? Did you expect the world to implode? It seems everything carried on just the same without me, as I knew it would. Like a party I was never invited to.

~B


Add a comment

Comment from Rolf Harris
Hmmm..
Posted 7/13/2009



Comment from Fed
Intriguing, but what did you do in the first place?
Posted 7/13/2009



Comment from Rina
Never considered your blogs to be upsetting :o but then lol I'm afriad I haven't read them all! Better to speak your mind and if people don't like it... isnt not looking at your blog's an easy solution or am I missing the "big" picture
Posted 7/13/2009



Comment from B
I love you, Rina *hugs*
Posted 7/13/2009



Comment from Paula (Gyre)
Hi Bronwen ~ I think you should give yourself a break. the problem with the internet is things can so easily be confused, etc, I have done it myself. I like to think I live by a live and let live policy, everyone does not get along in real life and online life. Your blogs are always interesting and have yet to offend me, I know, however, you avoid offending people at all costs but these things happen, try not to worry, embrace who you are!
Posted 7/13/2009



Comment from james
sometimes the universe just plays byits own rules
Posted 7/13/2009



Comment from marion
you shouldn't have to change for anybody, so don't change yourself. not when there's nothing wrong with you.
Posted 7/13/2009



Comment from B.
My blogs are interesting? Really? Thank you. I was afraid I sounded like a whiny ignorant brat when I'm 23 and there's really no excuse for that now.
Posted 7/14/2009



Comment from Tim
What a week huh!!
Posted 7/14/2009



Comment from B
You can say that again... but don't, no need.
Posted 7/14/2009



Comment from Lucy
Don't change pleeeease!
Posted 7/14/2009



Comment from Rina
ok totally random and not important but whats with the pic of the shoes? and where do I get some ;)
Posted 7/15/2009



Comment from B
Those are only the best sandals ever, I got them from Aldo.
Posted 7/15/2009